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Larry is a fixture several nights a week at Field #11 because of it's close proximity to the bike trail and it's tucked away location that's far from the street (less chance of Park Police busting heads for imbibing).
2 for the road. Wine jugs. Booze bra.
This is real.
Buy it at Firebox.com.
I'm posting this before the season starts because there are a lot of life lessons in this list that could potentially help us win more ballgames.
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
--Frank Kelly Rich
This is from the pre-sponsorship era when the team name was Donkey Punch. Hence the award ceremony called . . . The Punchies.
MVP (Male) - Karl
MVP (Female) - Kelly Kelly
Best Dressed - Anna Thomson
Most Beer and/or Cigarettes Consumed Per Game - Karl
Most Improved - Anna Thompson
Best Play - Andy Powers home run sliding into home wearing shorts
Best Bar Attendance - Coach, Runner-Up - JJ's Clubhouse
Forbes magazine lists us as the second drunkest city in the U.S. behind Milwaukee. Let's take their title away!
Everyone needs to pitch in and do their part next Thursday at the Punchies by drinking until you lose your eyesight.
Coach
Where is the second-drunkest city in America?
Chances are you are living in it — according to Forbes Magazine, at least. The Minneapolis-St. Paul area is surpassed only by Milwaukee in the magazine's first-ever "drunkest cities" evaluation.
"You mean we beat out New Orleans? Sounds kind of nuts to me," bartender Chris Fish said as he filled a glass of beer behind the bar of the Hat Trick Lounge in St. Paul.
From corner taps to government offices, experts on drinking scratched their heads Wednesday to try to explain what the survey means.
In the past, officials have boasted that surveys have been kind to the Twin Cities, praising the area lavishly for health, happiness and overall living conditions.
Or is that just the beer talking?
"It seems like that survey is a bit of a stretch," said Bob Hume, spokesman for St. Paul Mayor Chris Coleman.
Hume said that only two months ago, Kiplinger's Magazine ranked the Twin Cities metro area second in its "Smart Places to Live" survey.
"The criteria there were vibrant, fun, affordable," Hume said. "Enjoy our recreational opportunities responsibly."
How, he asked, could the same metro area be the nation's second-drunkest?
David Ewalt had some answers. He conducted the survey for Forbes as part of a series of stories on the night-life industry. Ewalt said he used a combination of government statistics from 2004 measuring rates of alcoholism, binge drinking, Alcoholics Anonymous participation and other figures.
He was surprised to see Milwaukee and the Twin Cities besting notorious party areas such as New Orleans (ranked 24th) and Las Vegas (No. 14).
"You go to New Orleans or Las Vegas, and they are very liberal about alcohol. You can drink beer on the streets," he said. "To a tourist, they can seem like very drunk towns."
It's likely, he said, that the pattern of drinking in Minnesota is more private.
But some experts said Ewalt's methods might have skewed the results.
"No. 2? I think we should be lower than that," said John Steiger, spokesman for the state Health Department, which compiles records of alcoholism rates.
He conceded that Minnesota and Wisconsin have ranked high on alcoholism surveys, but he said some data can be misconstrued.
For example, high participation in Alcoholics Anonymous could be a sign people are willing to address their problems, he said, and not an indication of drunkenness.
Hume also noted that, with 11 colleges, St. Paul has the second-highest number of students per capita after Boston. That could contribute to a high percentage of binge drinkers, he said.
In the cozy darkness of the Hat Trick Lounge in downtown St. Paul, several patrons — decidedly not problem drinkers themselves — sipped beers Wednesday and pondered the report's conclusion.
"I can see Milwaukee, with the reputation for beer drinking," said Greg Dols, a remodeler who lifted the brim of his paint-spattered baseball cap. "But here? I don't have any theories on that."
Shelley Meredith of Eau Claire, Wis., did. She thought the survey was wrong, period. "Every place has its drunks," she said. But having lived all around the country, she has seen no sign that the Twin Cities could be much "drunker" than elsewhere. "I just don't think that could be true," she said.
Mike Fiumano's reaction was blunt. "I think it's offensive to say that St. Paul is one of the drunkest cities, because I don't see that at all," he said. "I see a lot of young, responsible, business-minded people who want to do right in life."
Bartender Fish walked outside, where patrons were sipping suds in a sidewalk patio area, and he asked one customer about the Twin Cities' ranking.
"As least we are good at something," came the reply.
Bob Shaw can be reached at bshaw@pioneerpress.com or 651-228-5433.
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